Divorce in itself is trying enough. If children are involved, it becomes even more trying and extremely emotional. Parents often loose sight of what is in the best interest of their children. Where do the children fit into this whole new life that is being created? Unfortunately, children often become financial pawns in a divorce when child custody issues are being decided.
Before the divorce is finalized, a temporary child custody arrangement is put into place. This can usually be done without the courts intervention if both parties can reach an agreement. The temporary custody arrangements are not necessarily what the final custody arrangement will be. The agreement should be well thought out and comprehensive. It is best to put it on the court record to make it binding.
TYPES OF CHILD CUSTODY
There are two basic issues in regards to custody:
Physical or residential custody - Which parent the children will live with.
This parent is referred to as the Residential Custodian. Legal custody - who will make the decisions on behalf of the children concerning health, education, religion, and general welfare.
The most common form of custody is Joint Legal Custody. This is where the children live with one parent (residential custodian) while the other parent has visitation rights. With Joint Legal Custody, both parents make the decisions on behalf of the children concerning health, education, religion, and general welfare.
Joint physical custody Often referred to as shared parenting, it is when the child resides with both parents for a significant amount of time. This arrangement does not always work out to be an exact 50/50 split. In order for this type of situation to work, there must be cooperation on both sides. The parents would also have to live in close proximity as not to affect the child's schooling. A few years ago there was a trend towards awarding this type of custody, however recently it has been determined that this may not be in the best interest of the child.
Sole legal custody Is when one parent has the right to make all the legal decisions regarding issues such as health, education, general welfare, and religion. This type of custody is not very common anymore.
When the divorce is finalized both physical (residential) and legal custody will be determined. THE CUSTODY AGREEMENT
The purpose of the custody agreement is to reach an understanding on how to raise and care for the child with both parents sharing in the responsibilities and maintaining involvement in the day-to-day life of the child. For the custody agreement to work it is essential that you be flexible. Make every attempt to encourage and respect the relationship of your child and the other parent. Don't assume anything and keep an open mind. Easier said than done when in the midst of the turmoil that naturally goes with a divorce. Keep in mind you and your spouse are getting the divorce, you are not divorcing your children. What if you can't come to an agreement on custody? Then be prepared for a custody battle. THE CUSTODY BATTLE
Unfortunately, a battle is exactly what it will turn into. Before you reach the point of court intervention to decide custody think long and hard. A custody battle puts the child right smack in the middle of your battle. Why are you fighting for custody? Are you fighting FOR custody or fighting so that your ex-spouse DOESN'T HAVE custody? Is it in the best interest of the child? If you've determined that it's the right thing to do for the children to go forward, what can you expect when the court intervenes?
The court will take into consideration the best interest of the child when making the decision.
If the court feels that neither parent is acting in the best interest of the child a guardian ad litem may be appointed to help in making decisions on the behalf of the child.
Depending on the age of the child, their wishes may or may not be taken into consideration. Some states strongly take into consideration the wishes of the child depending on their age; some states do not consider the child's wishes at all, without regard to age.
Traditionally, the judicial system leans towards deciding in favor of the mother in custody cases. However, with more women pursuing full time careers this trend may be changing. It is no longer assumed that the mother is the primary caregiver.
Unless the situation is so obvious that one parent should have custodial rights over the other (such as in drug abuse or physical abuse) a court ordered independent evaluation will probably be ordered. The evaluation is usually done by a court appointed mental health professional such as a psychologist or a social worker. A thorough evaluation can include the following: interviews with all the parties involved (individually and possibly with the parent and child together); psychological testing of both parents and the child; review of school records and or conversations with teachers; review of medical records and developmental history; review of legal records, such as the papers filed regarding the divorce, any possible domestic disputes and any criminal records of either party involved. Be prepared for the evaluation to take at least four to six weeks if not longer. Be prepared for a time consuming and costly battle.
No matter how strongly you believe you would be the better parent and should have custody of the children be prepared for the court to decide against you. Be ready to accept the courts decision and move forward to work with your ex-spouse to raise your children in a way that is best for them.
NEVER use a custody battle as a chip in negotiating a better financial settlement. Once the battle has begun, everyone will be scarred including the children. So think long and hard about the consequences of your actions and always keep the children's best interest in mind, long and short term.
When both parents agree to parent cooperatively and share equally in the raising of their kids, there is a strong chance that the experience will be relatively free of conflict. But many single parents have too much pain, anger and immaturity to be able to parent cooperatively. Single parents can ease their stress and conflict, and improve their chances for a new, positive "two home" family plan when they follow the steps outlined below.
Step One: Create a new relationship with the other parent based on Humility. Your kids learned a lot about communication, problem solving, respect and tolerance from you and your former partner during the living together phase of your relationship. And yet, they will learn a lot more from you during the separated phase. After all, the separated phase will probably last a lot longer.
So what do you want to teach them? Do you want to teach them bitterness or forgiveness? Do you want to teach them depression or acceptance? Do you want to teach them intolerance or flexibility? Do you want to teach them anger or understanding?
Once you and the other parent decide not to live together, the reasons that contributed to this decision are unimportant. Shoulds, woulds, coulds and dids are judgment packed references that have historical value, as regards the now defunct partnership. And they have value when considering what to look for when it's time to have a new intimate relationship. But these judgment packed references can be a huge roadblock to the successful creation of a cooperative co-parenting relationship with your former partner.
Another major problem with maintaining an anger and judgment based relationship with the other parent is what it does to your relationship with the kids. Here's an idea to consider: When you teach your children to love the other parent, your children will learn to love you more. When you teach your children not to love the other parent, your children will learn to fear you.
Here's why: Your kids are made up of one-half you, one-half the other parent. Your ability to judge and reject the other parent sends a quiet message to your kids. It tells them that you can judge and reject them as well, because they are half made of the other parent. Don't bother reassuring them that you can hate and reject the other parent but love them (your kids) unconditionally. When's the last time you believed a mechanic when they finished a brake job on your car and told you that the thumping sound that's unnerving you whenever you hit the brakes is nothing to worry about?
Of course you and the other parent have every right to harbor negative feelings towards one another. But are these feelings a sound foundation for building a new relationship with each other that is intended to support your kids? Are these negative feelings so strong that it's difficult not to express them, even in front of the kids? Are these negative feelings keeping you or the other parent from being able to treat each other fairly regarding visitation, child support, community property or spousal support? If it's a cooperative relationship with the other parent that you're seeking, anger, mistrust, resentment and a desire to punish won't get you there. The foundation for cooperation, especially between people who have been conflict-oriented, is humility.
Humility is the expression of love that most easily diffuses judgment and defensiveness. After all, if you're willing to let go of blame, won't that make it easier for the other parent to let go of it as well? Humility is tough to achieve when we need anger and judgment to help us disconnect from someone that we have once loved. The irony is that shared children will always keep us together. And, even if it doesn't feel like it presently, that's a good thing. Once separated, we must learn to connect with the other parent in a new way that supports love without the expectation of being together.
How do you move past negative feelings to humility? Ask yourself questions that lead you to where your choices contributed to a terminal relationship. Did you see problems before the marriage (or getting pregnant) and diminished them because you wanted the relationship so badly? What personality traits do you possess that, mixed with the other parent's traits, inflamed the relationship? What did you learn from your parents about affection, judgment, problem solving and forgiveness? How might these factors have affected your relationship?
Questions such as these provide valuable insight into our own relationship needs and abilities. From this humble perspective, we are able to develop a new relationship with the other parent, a relationship that can be less judgmental and therefore less defensive. And when we are less defensive, we are able to be more tolerant, flexible, creative and caring in the way that we redesign our new "two home" family.
By the way, you don't have to share your personal; insights with the other parent. It might not be an emotionally safe thing to do. Being humble does not mean being vulnerable at the wrong time. Bring this perspective of Humility to the negotiation table and you will not only walk away with more for the whole family, you will walk away with a "whole" new family.
More importantly, they could contribute to the continuation of a conflict-oriented relationship that damages the children's ability to:
Have an uncomplicated love relationship with both parents;
Have easy access to both parents;
Establish healthy intimate adult relationships when their time comes.
Another major problem with maintaining an anger and judgment based relationship with the other parent is what it does to your relationship with the kids. Here's an idea to consider: When you teach your children to love the other parent, your children will learn to love you more. When you teach your children not to love the other parent, your children will learn to fear you.
Here's why: Your kids are made up of one-half you, one-half the other parent. Your ability to judge and reject the other parent sends a quiet message to your kids. It tells them that you can judge and reject them as well, because they are half made of the other parent. Don't bother reassuring them that you can hate and reject the other parent but love them (your kids) unconditionally. When's the last time you believed a mechanic when they finished a brake job on your car and told you that the thumping sound that's unnerving you whenever you hit the brakes is nothing to worry about?
Of course you and the other parent have every right to harbor negative feelings towards one another. But are these feelings a sound foundation for building a new relationship with each other that is intended to support your kids? Are these negative feelings so strong that it's difficult not to express them, even in front of the kids? Are these negative feelings keeping you or the other parent from being able to treat each other fairly regarding visitation, child support, community property or spousal support? If it's a cooperative relationship with the other parent that you're seeking, anger, mistrust, resentment and a desire to punish won't get you there. The foundation for cooperation, especially between people who have been conflict-oriented, is humility.
Humility is the expression of love that most easily diffuses judgment and defensiveness. After all, if you're willing to let go of blame, won't that make it easier for the other parent to let go of it as well? Humility is tough to achieve when we need anger and judgment to help us disconnect from someone that we have once loved. The irony is that shared children will always keep us together. And, even if it doesn't feel like it presently, that's a good thing. Once separated, we must learn to connect with the other parent in a new way that supports love without the expectation of being together.
How do you move past negative feelings to humility? Ask yourself questions that lead you to where your choices contributed to a terminal relationship. Did you see problems before the marriage (or getting pregnant) and diminished them because you wanted the relationship so badly? What personality traits do you possess that, mixed with the other parent's traits, inflamed the relationship? What did you learn from your parents about affection, judgment, problem solving and forgiveness? How might these factors have affected your relationship?
Questions such as these provide valuable insight into our own relationship needs and abilities. From this humble perspective, we are able to develop a new relationship with the other parent, a relationship that can be less judgmental and therefore less defensive. And when we are less defensive, we are able to be more tolerant, flexible, creative and caring in the way that we redesign our new "two home" family.
By the way, you don't have to share your personal; insights with the other parent. It might not be an emotionally safe thing to do. Being humble does not mean being vulnerable at the wrong time. Bring this perspective of Humility to the negotiation table and you will not only walk away with more for the whole family, you will walk away with a "whole" new family.
Step Two: Expand the idea of what a "Whole Family" is. As much as possible, avoid isolating yourself as a "Single Parent." During this particular time in your life, you ought to expand your circle of love and support! Most of the time, the other parent is available at some level of support. It's important for your health and the emotional welfare of your kids that the other parent be involved. Co-operative co-parenting between separated, divorced or never married parents can be as effective, for the whole family, as the more traditional "two parents under the same roof" family plan. The focused attention that the children receive from the present parent can strengthen the love bond between them while enabling the other parent to recharge their parent batteries and have necessary adult time.
Therefore, make it as easy as possible for both parents to have an abundance of time with the kids. Here are some fundamental points to consider:
Live close to each other
As far as possible, make career choices that give both of you some flexibility with your schedules?
Similarly, make career choices that make you less financially dependent on each other. If this means enhancing your education, support each other in this personal venture that ultimately serves the whole family
Keep each other informed about everything that impacts the kid's lives such as Parent-Teacher conferences, children's activities and illnesses or injuries
Avoid new intimate relationships with anyone who is insecure about your ongoing parent relationship or jealous about the time that you want to spend with your kids
Remember, successful co-parenting has three "C"s: Communicate; Coordinate; Cooperate.
Step Three: Respect Your Children's Right To Love Both Parents. Here is a very important point, and I hope that you agree with it: Children get to be small. They don't have to understand things that are complex. They don't have to be responsible for taking care of their parents. They don't have to be afraid to love one parent for fear that the other parent will be angry with them. Certainly, the older the kids are, the more they can be expected to handle. But it is important to respect a child's right to never have to handle anything that isn't his or hers. That includes the parents' financial struggles, conflicts, accusations and indictments against each other.
So if you are having a major meltdown in your relationship with the other parent, remember where you are when you need to let off steam. Would you drive a raging bull through a beautiful garden? Probably not. Think of your child's love for you and the other parent as a fragile, beautiful garden and point the raging bull in another direction.
The Children's Boundaries that follow are pretty basic, you probably are already aware of them and respecting them. But if you or the other parent is having trouble keeping any of these, you can obtain a more detailed article on children's boundaries called: Entering The Children's Home by contacting Sole Support at 949-837-7653 or at our website: Sole Support Online. It's on the Brainfood page).
Remember, your kids have the absolute right to love the other parent without reservation. Even if the other parent is ignoring these boundaries, you must not. Respect your kid's boundaries so that they have an emotionally safe, uncomplicated place to call home. Once these boundaries are mastered, cooperative co-parenting becomes the single most important element in creating a stress-free and conflict-free family plan.
The Children's Boundaries:
Don't expect a child to feel the way you do about the other parent
Don't ask a child to keep a secret from the other parent
Don't pry information about the other parent's life from your child
Don't relay messages to the other parent through your child
Don't ask a child how you should solve a problem with the other parent
Don't tell your child about any conflicts between you and the other parent
Don't ventilate your negative feelings about the other parent near your child
These boundaries fall into a category called Triangulation. It means that we are forcing our kids to get meshed into our adult relationship. This enmeshment may create feelings of anxiety, conflict, confusion and emotional withdrawal for the kids. So remember to respect their rights before you involve them in anything that has to do with the other parent.
Comfort your children through the difficult transition from a two-parent home to a two-home family plan with love and hugs. Respect their right to be kids. They don't need to have the complex pressures that tear adult relationships apart explained to them.
Another children's boundary falls into a category that we call: Parentification. This is a term that we attach to actions that cause a child to have to take on responsibilities that they are not ready for, either age-wise or maturity-wise. This happens when two-parent homes become single-parent homes and a child is suddenly thrust into the role of caretaker for the other kids. It can also happen when a parent who is overwhelmed by stress, loneliness or grief becomes emotionally needy and the children become sources of emotional support for the parent.
Parentification significantly contributes to feelings of guilt and co-dependency for children who have been victim to it. So be very careful in the way that you assign responsibilities to your kids. Of course, reduced adult support and financial limitations sometimes necessitate a child's taking on additional responsibilities for the family. While many children seem to thrive on added responsibility, be careful to provide that child with plenty of opportunity to be the child that he or she is. Very often a child will get a lot of ego gratification from behaving like a "little adult" only to discover later on that they have lost the ability to be spontaneous, flexible and playful.
In addition, be sure to have plenty of emotional support for yourself from other adults so that you don't unwittingly lean on your kids for your emotional needs. And if you've ever heard a parent say, "my kid is my best friend," buy that parent a book on boundaries as fast as you can!
To summarize: Three Steps to take to make Single Parenting easier
It's much easier to build a cooperative co-parent relationship when parents connect with humility rather that judgment. Behaving humbly and with tolerance and acceptance also teaches our children healthier ways to relate with others
Avoid the isolating label "Single Parent". You are a co-parent with a partner who lives elsewhere. Mutual support is more productive and healing. If that other person has completely disappeared and you can't find them, then try to maintain an ongoing relationship with relatives from the other parent's side of the family
Learn what your children's rightful boundaries are and respect them. It will make their home with you a much safer place to be. That will ease the air of tension that so often permeates a single parent's home (and get rid of this term, will you!). Respecting your kid's boundaries will also significantly reduce the opportunity for conflict between you and the other parent.
Source: divorcehq.com by Rudy Garcia: Founder ~ Sole Support: The Single Parent Family Network
Copyright @ 2007 Ann Wright Back at Oklahoma Law 4 Families [OKlaw4families.com]. All rights reserved. See Legal Disclaimer. 406 South Boulder, Suite 400, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74103 918/599-0426.